vampires

Warning, this post is about vampires. They drink human freakin blood. You have been warned.

I'm lovin it!

First off, i dig vampire movies. I have read lots of vampire books, and seen lots of them on the silver screen. Great genre, lots of fun...

However,

Why do most vampire movies portray the only source of sustenance for a higher functioning creature to be people blood? Are we that damn nutritious ? or tasty? Why assume that blood can only be found in people? Hey vampires, i know you are all bad with your creatures of the night thing you have going here, but wouldn't it make your life profoundly easier to feast on the blood of.. i don't know... cows? Wouldn't that be easier?

Yeah, i could feed like, a whole army of you guys or something.

I mean, i remember the first day i tasted the flesh of another animal. Does not every person remember their first real meat? Sure they do. Well, when it struck me that i enjoy, even crave, cooked animal flesh, i did not start looking around for people to eat. I look for cows. We all look for cows. Sure, you may look for them at the supermarket, wrapped in plastic. But them there meals is cows. Vampire bats are true, real-life blood suckers who derive almost all their chow in the form of blood from another species of mammal, and almost always not human.

happy meal

unhappy meal

So, we know that movies have to make it about people because a story depicting vampires quietly stalking, hunting, seducing and killing a bunch of fat, ugly, slow, flatulent pasture-patty of crap factories just would not do well in a horror movie. However, it would be much more gross. I think that vampires may get on board with the industrial revolution and get their meals easier somehow. Sure, not horrific, but some things just have to go sometimes.

i know i said no onions on this.

No, we go to see a vampire because we want to be frightened. Unless, of course, you are a 14 year old girl and want to go see a shiny vampire because it's just so damn groovy. Most of us want the scare.

You go to see a vampire like this.

not like this.